Monday, February 9, 2009

Emotions

Sometimes I wonder why life is so hard. I know it is to appreciate the good times, as my sweet friend said, "all glitter & roses", but seriously. I also need to realize that it's okay to be mad & cry sometimes. I need to let my emotions out.

Morgan has such a sweet, special spirit. She's amazing. She has always been that way. So happy & loving & reads people by their souls, not their appearance. Why do I get frustrated with her? Why is her experience here on this earth so hard? Well, to us it's hard. She doesn't know the difference. Morgan is almost always happy & smiling, saying "hi", wanting kisses & hugs, & talking about butterflies. She touches so many lives & so many people know & love her.

Morgan has had 12 surgeries in her lifetime...with more to come. The last major surgery was open heart April 2007. She did marvelous & was home in 2 and 1/2 days. Now today, we met with her new orthopedist. He was not the bearer of good news, but a sweet man nonetheless. I go in to talk about her left leg & he examines her & tells me his biggest concern is her right hip. What?! Not expecting that one. Her hips are becoming dislocated from her spastic muscles & a major surgery is our only solution to fixing them. He wants to do it sometime in the next year. We could also wait it out & see how much it limits her mobility & how painful it becomes...but the older she gets, the less they can do. We've tried botox injections but that has not been enough. We will get more opinions for what is best for her, but it doesn't look like it will be avoided.

Why? Why does a sweet little one have to go through so much here on this earth? I'm venting, so bear with me. I don't usually vent publicly, but I am needing some help. Some comfort. I try to be as strong as I can, but sometimes I'm just so mad. I want to cry. I want someone to comfort me. I know that I need to reach out to God more, but I want to be mad at Him too. Also, being sick for the last 2+ months doesn't make me any stronger emotionally either.

I love my children. They bring me so much joy. They also try my patience at times. And as any Momma would, I would bare their pain or struggle in an instant so they would not have to face it. Morgan is here to teach all of us. She has taught me so much about patience, the power of prayers, humility & unconditional love. She is the sweetest & strongest little girl I know. I just wish (well, I'm sure we all wish) her little body didn't have to go through so much.

Now that I've said all that, maybe I can get some sleep.

9 comments:

mckenna said...

I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better. I can't. Sometimes stuff just sucks. (I hate that word, but I couldn't think of any other one to replace it for this). It's completely unfair that you have to go through this and ESPECIALLY unfair that sweet little Morgan has to live this way. I wish I could be there to hug you both. I love you guys!! You're always in our prayers. Squeeze Morgan (and Noah too for that matter) extra tight for me!

Erin said...

That would be a very difficult thing to deal with. I know what you mean about Morgan being so sweet, and happier than most people are. That is what I loved so much about my students. But seeing her go through physical pain would be so challenging, and I'm very sorry.

The Kadz Family said...

I think it's totally understandable to be upset and angry about it sometimes. It shows how much you love her. I think as parents we try and protect our kids from everything and get frustrated when it's something we can't control so we look at Heavenly Father because we see Him as someone that could control the situation. But, He is in a way by giving her her beautiful disposition and sweet heart. He loves you because He knows that you can do it. I'm so impressed by the mom you are!

The Johnson Family said...

Oh Erin, I wish I was there to give you a huge hug. I am so sorry and of course you need to vent. You should vent too, I think its good to get it out. I don't have any words of wisdom. All I know is that you and Isaac are remarkable. You truly are an inspiration and I am so happy to call you friends. You have been wonderful examples to Matt and I. I can not think that anything you have been through has been easy, but I know that you have done so well. I truly believe that our Heavenly Father knows and cares about your pain. I know that even when we are mad, its turning to Him that gives peace. I am grateful that Morgan is here to bless us all, thanks for sharing her! We love you guys!

ruth said...

Erin, it sounds like things are pretty discouraging right now. I am so sorry. Kids do bring out the "mother bear" in us, don't they? Morgan is such a special girl, just like you said. She is also so resilient. You and isaac do such a good job with your kids-they are lucky to have you. I hope you feel better soon and gain strength in knowing there are so many people cheering you on.

Rin said...

That must be incredibly hard to witness on a daily basis, especially for your own child. Life can be a trade off usually...but in the end we usually get the better deal :) Morgan is so sweet and happy and I've never even met her.

The Fullmer's said...

I wish I could take this pain away for you. It helps to vent once in while. You are not alone, everyone loves little Morgan and will praying for her. You are such a strong family. I know it doesn't seem fair and we don't know why our kids have to go through trials. We will keep you in our prayers. If you need a shoulder I'm right here! Luv u guys!

Megan said...

Oh how I know how you feel! I just had a little "cry session" a couple of weeks ago because of Porter. Our little kids don't know any different so they probably don't feel like they are trapped in a body that doesn't work right. I hope that you find luck with doctors and surgries to come. Morgan is a trooper and even though I don't know you, she is lucky to have parents that do so much for her.

Kates said...

Oh how I love that little girl. She is the sweetest thing on earth. Please tell her I love her. It is good to vent! Out with the bad in with the good! On a side note, you and Megan should meet! She is married to one of Tom good high school friends and you guys would get along great!