Monday, November 9, 2009

What a Year...

I'm just not sure about how I've really been feeling lately. My emotions are everywhere. When I think about it, I guess it really has been a bit of a crazy year and I think it's finally caught up with me.

A pregnancy...much easier than Noah's, but still sick until about 20 weeks.

Morgan's surprise surgery, recovery & rehab.

All of us being apart from Isaac for almost 3 months this summer, except for one weekend. And Isaac coming home about 2 and 1/2 weeks before our baby.

The c-section, recovery & new baby who is also colicky & has reflux.

Sam being sick for over 2 months. Not sleeping & on a nebulizer. Although he is much better now, he's still not allowed to be out & about in closed spaces with lots of people.

Morgan having more seizures again. Trying to get her back & adjusted on a medication.

Noah is so cute, but he is getting such a mouth. Lots of time outs for this little man. And boy does he like to find pens & scribble all over my couches with them.

Isaac having issues with work & having to go out & work again.

Issues with insurance. Not only will an individual policy obviously not cover Morgan but me as well.

Losing a really close family friend & grieving. And watching his family grieve & suffer his loss.

Having baby blues & trying to make myself get out and exercise.

HATING my body after 3 babies.

Too tired and have no time to beautify & make myself a better person.

Being along with all 3 kids while Isaac is out working again.

Halloween was a nightmare. There are no pictures from this night. Morgan cried & had tantrums through the 1st 30 minutes...then we had about 20 minutes of everyone being happy...then Noah freaks out screaming & kicking & doesn't want to trick or treat & he doesn't want to leave.

And let me tell you how sick I am of trying to get my children to eat right now. After making dinner & listening to the baby scream the entire time I'm doing so, having them not eat. Urgh!!!! And having to threaten every bite with going to their room & the final threat of going to bed right then. I so followed through with that threat last night.

And I am so tired of feeling all alone. I feel like I harass my neighbors & family here. Asking them for help...which I am so not good at. I have most definitely gotten better at it this year.

I really can't do too much with Sam still & I'm scared to have Noah go & play places because of getting sick & bringing it home. Morgan going to public school with lots of germs. Oh, how gross it is to see her push on her actual wheels on her chair & then touch her face & lick her hand. YUCK!

I'm done, I need a vacation. I'm exhausted. I'm emotionally drained. I miss my family who live on the east coast. And miss my best friend who works & then is trying to figure out what he's going to do with his career while he's at home. Boys are so not good at talking on the phone.

And my dang baby won't take a bottle.

Did I forget anything?

Oh yeah, all I want to do is crawl under my covers, watch T.V., try & sleep maybe & eat everything in sight. This will so help me with the issues I'm having with my body.

And debt. Bills, bills, & more bills.

And always wishing that your daughter could talk & understand more & run & play with the other kids.

....and the year isn't over yet.


Abby said...

All I can say is I feel your pain. All those things sound vaguely familiar. If it helps any, I know your baby will someday stop screaming and will take a bottle. I know that someday you will find yourself in a place where you can actually enjoy working out and also get a shower and feel like you actually look nice. I know the nebulizer route...Eva does it every year at this season. There is nothing I can say that would make you feel better about it, for sure. I can say that you'd be surprised when you look back in a couple of years and realize that you've actually made it through some crappy moments, and you're still alive. Keep on truckin' on. But there is nothing wrong with crawling under those covers once in a while, as long as you eventually come back out! Love you.

mckenna said...

Wish I were there to stop by with some ice cream and a few good chick flicks!! And then after we talk and laugh and cry and get nice and fat, maybe I could watch the kids while you take a nap. :)

The Johnson Family said...

Erin, I am crying right now. Bless your heart and wish I could give you a humongous hug! It will be all right, hang in there and know that you are SO much more wonderful than you give yourself credit for. No one is going to starve, that baby boy will eventually take the bottle...just hang in there! We love you guys and miss you tons. You are an excellent Mommy and please, please, go hide under those covers if you need to once in a while. Though overwhelming, it will all pass and get better and better....soon I hope!

Megan said...

We are making t-shirts that say "I survivied 2009" and I will for sure make you one as well!!! I learned something from another parent one time that has really stuck with me. He said that sometimes he feels better when he just says "life sucks" out loud. I have done it dozens of times and it really does make me feel better for some sick reason! I really hope things start getting better for you guys sometime soon.

Allison said...

sorry I know you need a break:( You are an amazing mom. Sometime this time will pass and it will be a memory. I wish there was more I could do. Let me know what I can do. I would be more than happy to watch the little boys while Morgan is at school while you have some you time.

Nikki said...

Oh, Erin. I'm so sorry! I wish I could make all the pain go away for you! You will be in my prayers!

julie said...

Hang in there Sweetie!! It will get better! you are so tough and stubborn, er, determined and you will get through this! I will pray for you and your family and He will provide the hugs I can only send you virtually. Cookies really only do make it worse - just ask my 10-lb heavier bottom! And if you do go out for a run, just remember to turn around and run back home, though you might be tempted...
We all love you so much, hang in there!!!

melissa mae said...

I'm sorry you're are struggling! I wish I lived in Utah so I could come give you some relief somehow! I know saying I admire you doesn't help, but I really do. You are an amazing woman, and do so much that I could never ever do. Life gets hard, I know. whatever situation any of us are in, our struggles just suck. But just keep movin along. You can do it. I love you!

Brad and Emilee said...

Girl, hang in there! I didn't know your baby has acid reflux, Benson had that. Pure Hell for five months. Wow, and you have other kids to deal with too. And yeah, what is up with kids not eating?! Every meal seems like a battle field. But really, with a lot of praying and a lot of faith you'll get through this. Hopefully sooner than later. Even with out sleep and sound mind you will have the strength. And don't feel guilty for seeking consolation from ice cream. If a piece of chocolate can give you 20 seconds of happiness a day, then so be it!

Di said...

Erin - a friend just sent me this and I felt like I should pass it along to you! Hang in there! Thanks for being real and sharing your struggles. Motherhood is HARD, but so worth it.

The most important person on earth is a mother.
She cannot claim the honor of having built
Notre Dame Cathedral.
She did not.
She has built something more magnificent
than any cathedral --
a dwelling for an immortal soul,
the tiny perfection of her baby's body.
...The angels have not been blessed with such a grace.
They cannot share in God's creative miracle
to bring new saints to Heaven.
Only a human mother can.
Mothers are closer to God the Creator
than any other creature.
God joins forces with mothers in performing
this act of creation...
What on God's good earth is more glorious than this: to be a Mother. -Joseph Cardinal Mindszenty

Suzanna H. said...

Come visit me! We have plenty of room for all of you. Maja won't eat either, so we can buy 10 gallons of milk and juice and let them have a hey-day; rock crying babies and watch movies on youtube while Maja chases Noah around the house. :D